Toxic love, is quite literally, a drug addiction. When we’re pulled “towards” a toxic partner once more, it’s because our bodies have grown accustomed to the highs and lows we receive from the relationship on a biochemical level through chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol and serotonin (Carnell 2012 Fisher, 2016). Research has shown that rejection by a romantic partner affects brain activity that is associated with addiction cravings, rewards and motivation adversity-ridden relationships can also cause similar activity in the brain as cocaine (Fisher et. Unhealthy relationships also cause stronger trauma bonds (intense bonds resulting from shared emotional experiences) and an unwavering biochemical attachment. We get to use a faux friendship with a toxic ex or a “friends with benefits” deal as a stopgap – a way to deter the inevitable outpour of grief that would follow a total loss of that person. Staying friends with our exes can be one of the coping mechanisms we use to immediately tackle the threat of emotional annihilation because we still get to “keep” our exes in our lives, albeit at a distance. Now that we know why toxic ex-partners reach out, why do we let them back into our lives? It’s tempting to reestablish contact with an ex-partner because during breakups, our brains process the psychological pain of a breakup in a similar way that they register physical pain (Kross et. In the abuse survivor community, this type of behavior is known as “hoovering.” Named after the Hoover vacuum, it aptly describes the way a malignant partner tries to “suck you back” into the traumatic vortex of the relationship long after its expiration date. When a toxic and/or abusive ex-partner reaches out or asks to stay friends, they’re most likely looking to ensnare you back into the unhealthy dynamic that made the relationship lethal in the first place. They also have inside information about their exes’ vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control.” Dr.Tony Ferretti, Narcissists and Psychopaths Love to Stay Friends With Their Exes “Narcissists hate to fail or lose, so they will do what they can to maintain some connection if they didn’t make the choice to end it…They can experience narcissistic injury when rejected by a partner and have difficulties letting it go or healing from it… they may stay connected have access to valuable resources. If you’re dealing with a toxic narcissistic ex, the decision to reach out is usually one driven for the need to regain control over their former partners.
Researchers Mogilski and Welling (2017) discovered that those who had darker personality traits (such as narcissism, duplicity and psychopathy) tended to stay friends with their exes out of convenience, sex and access to resources. Reality check: Toxic ex-partners may not miss you, but they sure do miss what you provided for them. After all, when someone has been a toxic relationship partner, it’s doubtful that he or she will be that great of a friend. While there are people who can be friends with their ex-partners (usually after they’ve taken the time to heal), when it comes to a toxic relationship where a person has continually demeaned you, the fantasy of establishing an idyllic friendship after a break-up is far from the harsh reality. They may hope that this second chance provides a pathway for their ex to finally morph into the ideal partner. They desperately want to believe in the illusion that a friendship with their ex-partner or some other dubious arrangement will fulfill their needs long-term. One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that if their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend reached out, it must be because they truly love and miss them. By Shahida Arabi Updated January 28, 2022Įver wonder why the person who mistreated you seemed to pursue you relentlessly after the relationship was over? Why your emotionally unavailable ex-partners seemed to be the most “available” after you left them?Īlthough people stay friends with their exes for a variety of reasons, when a toxic ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend reaches out, there’s usually something deeper going on than just “missing” their former partners.
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